So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
