the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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