YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
