I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
