I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
