I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
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Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
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Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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