I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
