how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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