I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
