he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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