If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My vagina just clenched in fear
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
