I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
