dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
