Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
