literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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