I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
