you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
