history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
