Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
