just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
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I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.