loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.