This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
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I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
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I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.