I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom