Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.