the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
