Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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