So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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