I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i believe in u and ur pee
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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