Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
