last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
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we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
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I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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