So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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