I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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