Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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