Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
