I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
