Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
