What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
