Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
