Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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