We're like a lot better than the average bears
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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