Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
