The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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