you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
