Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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