sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
