The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
