Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he shaved USA in his pubs
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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