oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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