went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
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I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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