i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
