Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
