Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
