Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
