just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
