So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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