so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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