ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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